04272023

Dream

I wake from a flood of flickering dreams.

I can’t string the clips together.

I awake remembering being angry, telling my sister off. So angry that in my dream my fists are clenched and my body is shaking and shivering from fight or flight.

I say to her before waking:

You are a user, that is all you are and all you will ever be and you know it, and it won’t age well, but it won’t be my problem.

And then I woke in a panic, a cold sweat.

Anxious and scared upon waking.

Coming more online now.

I remember a few years after my mother and father had divorced, his car burned to the ground in his yard.

As a side note a lot of the island kids thought I might have done it. It was when I was around 14 or so and he had been particularly intrusive into my life. Belittling me, chasing boys away, rude to my friends, warring with neighbors.

Years later my mother and I discussed that and laughed how people thought I may have burned his car up.

Certainly all the cigarettes in his overflowing truck ashtray was to blame and what ever paint cans he might have had on the floor in the passenger seat.

She said the following:

He called me after that truck had burned up. I think looking for sympathy. It broke my heart when he wanted the divorce and then he was so back and forth and not…