Photo by Laurin Grether on Unsplash

Nana B.

S.E. Bourne
2 min readFeb 22, 2024

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My father’s mother would be my age now when I was born.

She was in my life with some consistency until 11 or so when my parents started their troubles and eventual divorce.

She was a handsome woman. Funny but seemingly stern or indifferent.

I do not have good memories of her and not bad — per se.

My strongest recollection is her chiding me about the lilac tree on the lots separating the yards.

After the divorce she told me from her porch that the lilac wasn’t on my land and therefore not mine.

I suspect that lilac is about as old as me. Planted as a sprout close to my date of birth.

I think it is still there — but can’t be sure.

Last I saw it (the lilac tree) was December 2020. That was the last time I was at the family home.

All my life I wanted people and a place where I felt I belonged.

Now at an age where I could be having grandchildren — I have but three close living relatives and we have not much to do with one another

My mother’s family. Her youngest brother and her dead brothers daughter, and my sister.

These are all I have left.

And we never quite wanted each other.

My friendships are sparse and marred by my wild and fretful youth. But there are 3 that know me well and remain.

Two newer friends collected at my last long term gig.

They check in on me and me them. Texts or phone calls.

The b-12 is hitting my system again. I have bought my own vial and administered two shots this week. Monday and Wednesday, and yesterday (Thursday) I felt the kick.

Energy and calm.

Bit of worry —

My sinuses are seemingly cleared in full from the smoking quitters flu.

Two months and change since I quit smoking.

Two months and change.

I do not recognize the world any longer.

My part time gig is tenuous, the job applications are not fruitful. My health insurance rates will be expensive this year and I suspect a big tax bill.

This was not the life I had hoped for — but I survive another day.

And if this is all I get . . . I will take it.

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S.E. Bourne

“If this is all I get, I will take it.” *S.E. Bourne